Room 101: Ollie Philips – England Sevens

1. Self-Raters
We all know people like this: the cocksure, flashy, individual who saunters through some socially ‘hip' area of town, sporting a pair of peach-coloured, usually suede, loafers. The ensemble is then usually finished off with a pair of linen trousers, a loud two-tone shirt and a haircut that has been carefully groomed with consummate precision. Conversation usually revolves around them, what they've been doing, how much money they make, how many cars they own and how many women they've slept with. Come on, we all know someone like this…or am I on my own here! (Gulp) Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy the odd bit of choice material in my wardrobe and I certainly feel that confidence in one's own ability is a good thing. In fact, I think it is essential in order to be successful. But when confidence spills over into arrogance there is nothing worse. My opinion is that you should keep your conversation short, your money in the bank, and your ‘tales' between your legs!
TRP verdict:  There's no ‘I' in team, you're off to a great start.
2. Two-Legged Pirates
Is it me or has modern day piracy forgotten what ‘the game' is all about! Yes, you want to capture the biggest bullion known to man and yes, you want to create a bit of fear around the ‘art' that you're performing, but come on Mr. Pirate, where has all your class gone? Growing up, pirates were the unwashed, sea-battered, chaps that we all loved to fear and loathe. Often seen with one leg, knuckles for hands or some with just a hook as a cheap replacement, these were the sea's sinister guardians. Their wardrobe merited a place at the finest of any fancy dress party and their tone and speech usually mirrored a man chewing on a thousand razor blades! These men were brilliant pirates and they earned our respect by their battle scars. Now my knowledge of pirating etiquette is not very thorough (loosely based on the odd Disney movie), but when did it become acceptable to dress in Armani suits, sport more gold than found in a Coutts bank and replace swords with Uzi's? If you're going to steal on the high seas, at least do it with flair, style and panache… and please, ensure you're sporting an eye patch.
TRP verdict:  ‘Shiver me timbers, you're in again'
3. Golden sprinklers
I play a sport that is meant to be physical, aggressive and occasionally a little dirty. I have been in many a changing room, heard many a motivating team talk and seen many a grown man cry with emotion before entering onto our glorious battlefield.
Moments like these leave you with a fabulous feeling that will stay with you long into your retirement.
However, there are a few memories that are not so pleasant. The pre-game ‘sprinkle' or accidental ‘golden splash' is the perfect example of such a memory. Why grown men are unable to accurately hit a hole that is bigger than most people's sinks is beyond me! Worse still is the little ‘drizzle treat' they leave behind after failing to erase their inaccuracy. Those guilty should admit defeat and SIT DOWN. Admittedly this does no favours in continuing the ‘hard-man' mystique that surrounds some of game's gladiators, but it would go a long way to saving on loo roll and the unpleasant experience of wiping away another man's mess!
TRP verdict:  3 out of 3, you're taking the p***, literally!