I’m driven on by the power of psychology
Following many years of study, training, and development, I have recently launched my own business venture – Innate High Performance – to provide the psychological services required to enable high performing people to explore and realise their innate potential.
Talking about my rugby career feels strange after spending the last couple years focusing on what I want to do with the rest of my life. It feels like a lifetime ago that I played my final game, aged 31, after a 14-year career in the sport.
My personal experience of playing professional rugby was largely unfulfilling. Although I achieved some success, winning trophies with Northampton and Saracens, and one cap for England (in 2015), I always carried an underlying feeling that my life could be more than it was and that something else was seeking expression through me.
That is no criticism of the sport itself, as I'm sure there are many operating within it who are immensely satisfied. However, I was always seeking something beyond the scheduled, routinised life of a professional rugby player. I travelled whenever I got the chance, studying and reading as much as possible along the way.
I felt the end of my career coming ahead of time and worked incredibly hard to prepare for the inevitable. I completed two Psychology Masters degrees to ensure that I had something of value to offer the world once I stepped outside of the rugby bubble and empty given how things have changed since I retired.
“I look back on my life as a player and understand why it felt so hollow “
I am grateful to have ended my career at Saracens. They are a club that does more than any other when it comes to the off-field support and development of their players. Upon retiring I took up a role as head of wellbeing and player development, before moving on the become head of psychological performance. I learned a huge amount during my time there and have a huge amount of gratitude for the opportunities I was given.
Although there is widespread recognition that the psychological component of performance is important and influential, there is currently very little, if any investment in enhancing and optimising it. I believe that sport has so much to gain from a deeper understanding of the human condition and applying that understanding to both improve performance and facilitate psychological growth and development. I hope to continue to explore ways in which the people can capitalise on the power of psychology to improve their lives.
For example, it has been amazing for me to work with someone like Ben Earl, a former teammate and current client of mine. The performances he has produced at the Rugby World Cup are a manifestation of the investment he continues to make in his professional, psychological, and personal growth and development. When people see him celebrate what might be perceived small moments in games, they might think
“I look back on my life as a player and understand why it felt so hollow” it is over-the-top. But he celebrates those moments like he wins the World Cup because he knows that those moments add up to make big performances. He understands that forcing a team to knock a ball on after 30 phases of defence is World Cup-winning stuff, and that's why he celebrates it. Emotion is contagious and can impact and influence the players around him. Now that he is able to work effectively with his own emotions, it is an example to others around him and the collective emotional state improves, too.
Theo Dan is another that I have worked with over the last couple of years, and he obviously had a good end to the season and then a real breakthrough moment at the World Cup. The way Theo bounced back from missing a tackle that led to a try being conceded in the bronze medal match against Argentina, to charging down a kick and scoring at the other end within minutes is the type of resilience and emotional response that I would hope to instil in someone I am working with. You don't downward spiral and let it get stuck in your head, you use the disappointment to drive yourself forward.
Difficult moments are inevitably going to come in professional sport at the highest level and you need to be able to get through them, grow through them and come out the other side. I struggled a great deal throughout my time as a player both mentally and emotionally. Ths often came out in undesirable ways both on and off the field, landing me in trouble at various points in my career. It has taken a considerable amount of time to come to terms with my inner life and I have tried to respond as constructively as possible. I hope to provide players with a service that enables them to avoid making some of the mistakes I made, instead, enabling them to grow and succeed both on and off the field.
Like many people, I always held the belief that the next achievement or milestone would lead to salvation and inner peace. For a long time, I thought getting an England cap was that moment. However, once I had achieved it, very little changed on the inside, and so began a slow process of disillusionment, leading to my eventual retirement. I'm just grateful I found something on the way down that was going to carry me through towards a better future.
The highs in sport are great, but they are always short lived. There is always another game, another season, another thing to strive to achieve. I was searching for something deeper that my own individual success and in many ways, I'm glad that my career went the way it did. There is much less to be nostalgic about. There is much less to miss about my own career. If things had gone better, maybe it would have been harder to leave behind. I'm grateful for all of it as I'm happy to be where I am.
During my playing days I was always reading books on the bus rather than playing PlayStation or poker. It was never an issue with anyone else but I did feel like a bit of an outsider at times. I am really grateful that I continued to follow that curiosity, because all of the reading, and the hours spent writing at my desk have resourced me to do what I do now.
It's been long and difficult process figuring out what to do with my life over the past four-and-a-half years, and I feel at peace knowing that I am at the beginning of the right path for me. The road ahead will be full of challenges but I am excited to keep walking. It's a privilege to do what I do, and I don't think I'll ever get bored of it.
Ultimately, I want to look back on my life and want to do it all over again, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Given that the first part of my life was so unfulfilling, I am determined to get as much as I can out of the rest of it.
