MY LIFE IN RUGBY
THE FORMER IRELAND U20 AND, HARLEQUINS SCRUM-HALF NOW AT UTAH WARRIORS
In early 2017, I was told by the best doctors in the world the worst possible news; my lifelong dream of being a professional rugby player was over. Since the age of two I battled with idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura, a rare and severe blood disorder, and as a 19-year-old I was told it would prevent me from ever playing rugby again.
I was diagnosed with ITP, which means I don't clot blood very well, at a young age. All it would take for me to not get back up again would be a nasty head knock. When I got told I'd never play again, it was the worst feeling in the world. I remember chatting in the garden with my dad welling up, but he kept saying ‘we'll beat this, we'll beat this'. My family were all just desperate for me to succeed and he hugged me and cried in my arms, it hurt him just as much as it hurt me.
At the end of the day rugby is in my blood; my father Rob was also a scrum-half and played for Ireland 12 times. He captained the national team on his debut, imagine that happening today!
It had been an emotional rollercoaster, but my dad gave me the best advice ever, as he told me: ‘Find a way, that's what winners do.' It gave me the motivation to beat my blood disorder and play the sport that means so much to me.
When I went into that dark place, my competitive nature got me out of it. In December 2017, after the most miserable year of my life, I received the best news possible. After years of frustration and setback, the doctors told me I was finally cured. My reaction was just pure elation.
I am proud of what I achieved, playing for Harlequins and representing Ireland in front of 15,000 people at the AGL Stadium in the Junior World Cup final, but I soon realised that professional rugby was not for me.
I had an interesting start to rugby; I remember being bitten by my cat as a 12-year- old on the morning of Quins trial and my hand blew up like a balloon. I had to pass and tackle one handed but I still managed to get in.
However, I didn't enjoy professional rugby as much as I thought I would. I debated retiring for about two years prior to making the decision in 2020. It was a big feeling of constant unhappiness and not really looking forward to playing any more. I wanted to do other things in my life, like travelling and seeing the world.
I was just deeply unhappy so I made the decision to stop playing professionally and stop taking it seriously. If you're not enjoying a job anywhere else you leave, and rugby's no different. My retirement was tough for my parents to take, but after they understood the situation and what it was leading to –a 22-year-old who was just unhappy all the time – they realised and came to terms with it and my family and friends were brilliant at supporting me through the situation.
I've learnt so many life lessons in the six and a half months I was away travelling in Central and South America after calling time at Quins.
I did stuff that I think I wouldn't ever have done if I was playing rugby. In more than one way, I think it's more important that I've grown and matured as a person. I have a completely different outlook to life and I'm a lot happier today.
I think a lot of people when they play professional sport have tunnel vision of what they want to do, and they don't really open their eyes to this whole other side of life that can make them happier. I was grateful that I had the opportunity, availability, and flexibility to take time off like that and be able to have these amazing life-changing experiences and getting to meet great people.
Having a break from rugby, solidified in my head that it's not what I want to do professionally anymore. I'm enjoying life day by day, whereas I was just miserable every day that I was in England playing rugby. But now I'm excited to join the Utah Warriors in America's Major League. For me, it's not so much about the rugby, it's more the lifestyle that it allows me to live. I travel across America for six months and then I get six months off, so I'm allowed to travel again.
It's vitally important for me to travel and to experience opportunities, and that's exactly what this league allows me to do. It allows me to play rugby which is still the sport that I love, but not taking it to such a serious level where I become unhappy again. It's somewhere I can still play some good rugby and enjoy the sport for what it is, but it is just a game and it's only worth whatever you want to put into it.
I'm eager to get out to the MLR and try to rip it up over there while at the same time still being able to live my life as a happy 23-year-old. I think it is a really exciting league that I'm glad to be a part of. It's still a young league in the grand scheme of things but one that I can see in five to ten years growing into a big competition. You see a lot of big names coming over now, the likes of Chris Robshaw, Ben Foden, Ma'a Nonu, who are seasoned veterans of the game. As time goes on, it's just going to get bigger and bigger. They play such eye-catching rugby in the MLR and that's what the Americans like. I'm coming into the league as a pioneer, and I like the idea of that.
