PETER JACKSON
And so to the New Year list with a difference, Honours and Dishonours in roughly equal measure thereby ensuring inclusivity on a global dimension. A glittering array of judges kindly gave their wisdom on two conditions, anonymity and absolute agreement with the chairman on every nomination.
1. The Liz Truss taxi for the shortest time at No. 10 all year:
Ross Byrne, seven minutes for Ireland against Australia in Dublin, five minutes longer than Wales gave Sam Costelow, against Georgia in Cardiff on the same day.
2. The Emil Zatopek gold medal for exceptional powers of endurance:
Kevin Sinfield, running seven ultra marathons in seven days over a total distance of 300 miles raising some £7m in support of his stricken friend Rob Burrow and all victims of Motor Neurone Disease. Zatopek remains the only Olympian to win all three long-distance events, 5,000 metres, 10,000 metres and marathon, at the same Games, Helsinki in 1952 but don't bet against Kevin doing something about it.
3. Matt Hancock's lifebelt for the mass May-day call, ‘I'm at Twickenham, get me out of here,' after England's flop against the Springboks 2nd-3rd XV:
Eddie Jones, sacked by the RFU barely nine months out from the World Cup.
4. A blessing from The Acts of the Apostles for a shining example of why it is better to give than to receive:
Wales wing Josh Adams with the good grace to give his man-of-thematch award to the more deserving Ange Capuozzo after the little full back's magical finale to the Six Nations.
5. ‘Bo Jo's' bottle of bubbly for the most confusing speech by a Cabinet Minister, a category made all the more absurd by its competitive ferocity:
Nadine Dorries, then Culture Secretary for getting her rugby World Cups in a twist to the point of not knowing her League from her Union. In St Helens last summer to promote the Rugby League World Cup, she said:
“I've always quite liked the idea of Rugby League. My long-standing memory is that 2003 drop goal. I'll let you into a secret. I think we were drinking Bloody Marys at the time. It was 11 o'clock in the morning but wow, what a moment that was.''
And to think she's a northern lass to boot. One Bloody Mary fewer or, better still, a copy of The Great Schism and All That by Tony Collins should spare Mrs Dorries further embarrassment…
6. For coming closest to ending up like Rebekah Vardy, paying a seven-figure price in pursuit of a lost cause:
The England 23 beaten by Ireland and France over the last two rounds of the Six Nations, a double defeat which cost the RFU circa £1,500,000 in prize money.
7. Silver slippers donated by Age Concern and Help The Aged to the most senior back row of the year:
Dan Lydiate, Justin Tipuric and Taulupe Faletau for Wales against Georgia. Aggregate age: 99 years, two months.
8. The Spartacus memorial prize for the supreme impersonation of a warrior:
Peter O'Mahony (Ireland) throughout Ireland's series win in New Zealand and any match he has ever played for Munster.
9. The most suitable case for six months in a Trappist monastery listening to the sound of silence:
Rassie Erasmus, the Springboks' head honcho whose irresponsible attack on Wayne Barnes' handling of France-South Africa in Marseille had disgracefully serious consequences for a very fine referee. In the probability of the Trappists declaring Erasmus persona non grata, an Oxford Dictionary highlighting the definition of respect will have to do.
10. An alarm clock for the sleepy, donated by Marcus Rashford:
To World Rugby and all custodians of what's left of the game's core principles. Why have they failed hitherto to take retrospective action against players guilty of verbally abusing referees? Barnes had cause to make more than one on-field complaint – ‘don't start shouting at me again' – at one stage telling the Springboks' acting captain Eben Etzebeth: ‘Can you ask him (another Springbok) never to do that again.'
An examination of the tape would identify those responsible for an ugly blot on the game across the spectrum. Hitting players in the pocket would soon put a stop to it, if only the powers-that-be can be roused from their slumber…
11. For setting the pace as rugby's nearest thing to Gerardo ‘The Beast' Bedoya:
Tomas Lavanini. The first to be sent off three times in Tests, the Argentinian lock still needs almost a full pack of red cards if he is ever to catch his fellow South American Bedoya, a Colombian footballer sent off 46 times.
12. The CB Fry prize for all-round ability:
Alan Rees, dual-code fly-half, championship-winning Glamorgan batsman and cover point extraordinaire; the only man to play for and against England at Test level: for Wales at Twickenham in 1962, for England against Australia two years later as a substitute fielder at Headingley where the Welshman played Rugby League at the time for Leeds. Rees died last year at the age of 84.
13. A special salute to the man who came closest to giving his right arm to play for his country:
Red Conway, the All Black wing forward who had the broken third finger of his right hand amputated rather than miss that year's tour of South Africa in 1960. A carpenter by trade, Red died last year at the age of 87.
14. Copies of the Bumper Sports Book of Cliches to those coaches-pundits who persist in saying nothing other than the blindingly obvious, for example:
“They won't want to lose this game.'' “The first try will be huge.'' “We must stop giving away cheap penalties.''
And so on, banality heaped upon banality…
15. A farewell above and beyond the call of duty:
The heroic Doddie Weir on the touchline at Murrayfield presenting the match ball for Scotland-Australia last November. He died 13 days later after a long battle against Motor Neurone Disease but not before he had raised millions and endeared himself to the sporting world far beyond rugby.
How typical of the ‘Mad Giraffe' that the order of service for his memorial at Melrose Parish Church should contain these words from the man himself:
‘Whatever your situation, make the most you can of every day, be nice to people and laugh as much as possible.'
And finally, for the game they play in heaven, a new team whose collective passing will be mourned down here for generations to come:
Backs: Tom Kiernan (Ireland, aged 83); Max Brito (Ivory Coast, 54) or Joeli Vidiri (New Zealand, 48), DK (Ken) Jones (Wales, 81), Paul McNaughton (Ireland, 69) or Kevin Flynn (Ireland, 83), Va'agia Tuigamala (New Zealand, 52); Phil Bennett (Wales, 74) or Alan Rees (Wales, 84), Dawie de Villiers (South Africa, 81)
Forwards: Tom Smith (Scotland, 50), Ken Kennedy (Ireland, 81), Glyn Shaw (Wales, 71); Mike Davis (England, 80) or Dave Sims (England, 52), Doddie Weir (Scotland, 52) or Jerry Holland (Ireland, 66); Dave Rollitt (England, 79), Red Conway (New Zealand, 87), Eddie Butler (Wales, 65) or Benoit Dauga (France, 80).
