Let’s hope the Lions can find their roar
IN THE unlikely event that anyone out there is still searching for something nice to say about the British and Irish Lions' “pandemic tour” of South Africa in 2021 – most of you will have better things to do with your downtime than pick over the carcass of a dead rugby duck that should never have quacked in the first place – it is just about possible to describe it as a “near-life experience”, thanks to some flickers of consciousness from the Springbok wing Cheslin Kolbe.
Reparations are due and the payback should begin when the Lions head to Australia a little over a year from now. As TRP's indefatigable columnist Brendan Gallagher correctly pointed out during last week's podcast, the “brand” requires a mega-event against mega-opposition – something as dramatic as the Wallaby series in 2001, when there was barely a gnat's crotchet between the sides in a contest ultimately decided by a single, solitary fluffed lineout.
Is this likely? Is it even possible? There's the rub. Back in '01, both outfits were seriously strong. Even though the Wallabies, one of the great World Cup-winning sides two years previously, were beginning their slide back down the mountainside by the time the Lions pitched up, they still had Burke, Roff, Horan, Larkham, Gregan, Eales and Kefu in their team. As for the visitors, can you think of a more extravagantly talented squad since the golden age of the 1970s? Me neither.
At a conservative estimate, a dozen of the combatants on the field at any one time would have been under serious consideration for a place in a World XV. And if it is difficult to make the same claim about the subsequent tour of Wallaby country in 2013, largely because the hosts turned out to be about as imposing as a seven-stone weakling on Bondi Beach with his face full of sand and tears, there were still plenty of top-of-the-bill acts on show: Folau, Genia, Moore and Hooper in the green and gold; O'Driscoll, Roberts, Phillips, Warburton and the Jones boys, Adam and Alun Wyn, in red. Again, all of these would have been worthy of discussion when it came to picking a team to play Mars.
This is far from the case now and, while a year is a longer time in rugby than a week is in politics, there is no guarantee of a radical improvement on the casting front. How many of the most recent Wallabies could make a persuasive World XV case for themselves, even with a multinational marketing company and a $1,000-a-second celebrity lawyer in their corner? Will Skelton, possibly. Marika Koroibete? Just about, on a very good day. Mark Nawaqanitawase? Maybe, but only if he performs a reverse ferret on his decision to switch rugby codes ahead of the 2025 NRL campaign.
In theory, the Lions should make a better fist of it: they're picking from four tier-one nations, after all. But there is precious little room available when it comes to a current World XV if we include the following: Thomas Ramos (as a goal-kicking full-back rather than a non-tackling 10), Damian Penaud, Waisea Nayacalevu, Jordie Barrett and the aforementioned Kolbe in the backline; the astonishing Antoine Dupont at scrum-half; and a pack featuring Frans Malherbe at tighthead prop, Eben Etzebeth at lock, Pieter-Steph du Toit on one or other flank and the peerless Ardie Savea at No.8.
This leaves holes at outside-half, loosehead prop, hooker, lock and wherever in the back row Du Toit isn't operating. Which, as your col umnist's late father would have said, wouldn't look a lot in a bucket.
Julien Marchand of France and Malcolm Marx of South Africa might raise a fist in protest, but the Irish hooker Dan Sheehan is just about the best hooker in the sport right now. And we can certainly mount a legitimate argument on behalf of Sheehan's fellow front rower Andrew Porter, although the rush of hooves belonging to the one-man herd known as Ox Nche must be ringing loud in the Dubliner's cauliflower ears. By this time next year, the eye-wateringly powerful Free Stater could be unchallenged as the number one No.1.
Is Finn Russell the best No.10? He's the most entertaining, but most coaches place reliability higher on their list of virtues and would be inclined to pick Handre Pollard instead. Is Ben Earl the hottest No.7? He might be, if he wasn't spending all his time at No.8. For the moment, the jury is out.
For red-shirted succour, we must turn, as we have so often in recent seasons, to Maro Itoje, below, the England lock and all-round master of every rugby trade you care to name. Anyone prepared to leave him out of any team, anywhere in the world, should seek help without delay.
Two world-beaters – possibly three – out of 30? That would be Dead Sea low by the Lions series standards. Next year's tour will generate plenty of cash, but if the other numbers add up like a Kwasi Kwarteng budget, the “brand” will be left damagingly shop-soiled and staring its own sellby date in the face.
