Peter Jackson column: Craig Joubert and Rupert Murdoch make it a year to remember

Half a century from now, when Georgia win the Ten Nations and two clubs from Mars replace the Italians in the Pro 12, history will have passed its judgement on the year about to end.
A case can be made for 2015 being the best of all. In a matter of months, it staged a Six Nations finale that had to be seen to be believed.  Even then it seemed too staggering to be true, a three-in-one epic which produced the photo-finish to beat them all.  Follow that.
England Rugby World Cup 2015 did just that in a way that nobody could have imagined.  They managed to lose their national team at a depressingly early juncture and still made theirs, the eighth global jamboree, better than the best of the previous seven.
At long last the old game broke out of its largely English-speaking straitjacket.   A different language hummed around the packed stadia as the Argentinians came in vast numbers and their presence made watching the all-court Pumas a captivating experience.
The Kiwis may have gone back to ruling the global roost, an untouchable example of technical precision and bewitching movement but there are still awards to be won, and lost.   Some might go as far as to say they are the most coveted of all, others might not.
After the Miss Universe debacle, we have decided to take no chances in getting the right man for the job of presiding over our presentation ceremony without fear of fluffing his lines or saying anything offensive.
Donald Trump is due any minute now, once he has finished familiarising himself with the categories.
We start with the most competitive one and, arguably, the most unusual result– an English 1-2-3:
The John McEnroe ‘You-cannot-be-serious' award:
“Australia will disintegrate.   Contrary to popular belief they are not the brightest team.”
Sir Clive Woodward on the morning of England's make-or-break match at Twickenham.  Result: England 13 Australia 33.
“Not one Australian would get into the England team right now.”
Danny Cipriani, doing his cheer-leading bit.   Maybe he meant it the other way round and got misquoted.
“He likes the scrum.   We've had some really good days at the office with him in charge.''
England forwards' coach Graham Rowntree on French referee Romain Poite before the Wallaby wobbler.   Result – Australia won five scrum penalties.
The AP McCoy award for turning coach of the year into a one-horse race:
Steve Hansen.  The 56-year-old Kiwi has done a course in horse whispering which clearly comes in handy considering that the All Black thoroughbreds have the two-legged equivalents of Arkle, Desert Orchid, L'Escargot and Kauto Star.
The Usain Bolt award for fastest exit:
Craig Joubert.  The South African referee, safe and sound behind the locked door of his dressing-room before the SNP and other tartan tribes knew where he had gone.
World Rugby chief executive Brett Gosper offered the considerate left-field theory that Craig had burnt the grass because he ‘needed the bathroom'.
So, there you are.  The fact that Scotland lost because Joubert gave the Wallabies the dodgiest of dodgy last-minute penalties had absolutely nothing to do with it.
The Groucho Marx (“I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception”) award for best put-down:
Nigel Owens.   The incomparable Welsh referee assumed the mantle of a stern headmaster chastising an obstreperous pupil in handling a complaint from England captain Chris Robshaw during the Six Nations' finale against France:
“C-h-r-i-s-t-o-p-h-e-r.   Thankyou.''    End of conversation.
The Nostradamus award for predicting the World Cup final: 
Matt Dawson, for saying that England would beat Australia and adding the devastating post-script:  “I see no reason why they should come up short.''
The Jack Lemmon-Walter Matthau award for The Odd Couple as spotted during the World Cup:
1 Rupert Murdoch (84) and Jerry Hall (59).   Uncle Rupe and the ex-Mrs Mick Jagger rolled up at toTwickers for the final arm-in-arm bedecked in green and gold after Rupe had apparently sent a tweet ‘praying for the Wallabies'.
What will have hurt him more?    The hammering or that Somebody Up There ignored him?
2 Diego Maradona (53) and Rocio Oliva (25). Ageing football rock star and latest squeeze having a ball in support of Argentina.
3 David ‘The Hof' Hasselhof (63) and Hayley Roberts (33), his Welsh girlfriend from Max Boyce Ville, otherwise known as Glynneath.
The John Lennon award, Can't Buy Me Love:
Mourad Boudjellal, Toulon's multi-millionaire president taking a swipe at his Racing counterpart, the multi, multi-millionaire Jacky Lorenzetti.  “We've got supporters who pay to come to watch our games.   Racing have to pay their supporters to come along.   It's Lorenzetti's only innovation.''
The Jack Dorsey and his co-Twitter founders award for the best rugby tweet, inspired by Jonah Lomu's sudden death last month:
‘The game they play in heaven has got a whole lot tougher.” Anon.
The Sepp Blatter award for outstanding services to the FBI:
Suspended until further notice.
And, finally, in this the season of goodwill to all men, a special Nobel prize for spreading love and understand to his fellow human-beings:
Donald Trump.
Safe journey home Mr Presidential candidate, thank you for coming and Merry Christmas.